Maybe, maybe....

I don't know where to start but maybe, just maybe, this will help me.

And maybe, maybe it will help people to understand just a little bit more of what we are going through. One thing is for sure.... It truly is harder on the parents (or grown-up) then the kiddies that are going through this.

It's totally hell to see your kid in so much pain that she is literally vomiting from the pain. But with all this going on she still smiles, okay, most of the time when the pain isn't that bad. We have on and off days. Some off days are quite bad!! She will scream for 45 min up to 1 hour maybe more. That's when she can't handle the pain anymore and nothing you do is helping. Its a different kind of screaming. You learn the difference between them really fast. Even my 3-year old knows the difference. It's even worse that those awful injection cries!! I mean most of us has had headaches or even migraines. Just imagine all that pain for a baby of 8 months!!! And she doesn't even know what's happening. She doesn't understand it.

But that I can handle, in a way. Then there is days that she hits her head against anything that she can find. This is hard, very hard to see. But when she has that look in her eyes, that look that begs me to do something, those eyes that say: mommy please, help me!!!! That is breaking my heart into 1000's of pieces!! THAT I CAN'T TAKE!!!!!

This is going to sound like I'm a bad mom, but it hurts so much that I can't pick her up, can't hold her, can't play with her, can't kiss her!! I can't take that look of pain in her eyes. I mean she thinks that her big sis is the biggest clown on earth, but days like this big sis runs away! Nothing helps her, not even big sis or being in Mommy's arms. But all that I can do is to hold her against my chest! Its not nice when those little hands hits or scratches you. But I know it's only because of the pain.

She is even too scared to eat or drink. She is tired of vomiting. This is not reflux. Nothing the doctors give her works. Two months ago they gave her 3 little pills (cost R350) that worked for a month and a half! Then they got gastro (but only the vomiting part) and now we are back to square one. She will be playing and then all of a sudden she screams like someone is killing her and then you can look, vomit everywhere!! Sometimes while she is eating, she will be enjoying her food and then the next thing... And the fact that the doctor is saying "I don't know what to do" doesn't help. Okay at least she (the doctor) is honest! But what should I do?

Its hell touching that precious child's head and feeling all the ridges it's making!! When we discovered big sis' cranio, I had this feeling inside me to kiss her head. And this will make it all better. I know to some this sounds stupid but I can't describe the energy I'm feeling when I'm doing this. It's not me! It's Jesus. I know He will heal her, I know it!!

But it still is not easy!!

Please excuse me, I'm going to jump a lot. Because this is really hard for me! Hard because it feels like no one understands!! I know people don't, that's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm trying to explain how I'm feeling. What's going to happen and what did happen.

Hope this helps.

Much love

Landie