So tomorrow is our big day. Thinking about all that is going to happen. I'm scared, so scared! I want this to be over and done. Wish that I can wake up and find out that all was just one big big nightmare. Can we really get through this?
Okay so maybe I should stay calm. Yeah right! This is me we're talking about. I'm the queen of worries. Okay, I'm not really that bad but yes, I do stress a lot and yes, I plan my plans. I like to be in control, like to play it safe. Like to have all my options ready and knowing what's going for what.
The biggest part of me is scared that the doctor won't operate. This is silly, all the signs and evidence are there. Even the CT scan shows places thats already closed. And my guts, you know that mother's instinct, knows for sure its there. I also know that the only thing that's going to help is for her to be operated on. And by praying to God to heal her. I do believe in miracles. I do! But sometimes we look for miracles in one place. And find it in a totally different place. And well, because we are human we are disappointed because we didn't get our miracle. That's what happened with big sis' operations. We prayed, I did for days, over and over for God to take it away. I strongly believed that God will not put my baby through this. I mean He is a God of love, not pain.
When the doctor told us he was going to operate, my heart broke!! It felt like I'm a vampire and that someone is pressing a wooden stick through my heart. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAS WORDS HURT SO MUCH!! Never!!! So when we almost lost her while they were busy operating, we were too hurt to see the miracles happening around us! My sweet dear baby girl, my little angel, our little miracle was going through so much pain.
Okay they try to tell you what was going to happen before the operation day. They told us her head is going to be swollen, 2 to 3 times the size of a normal baby's head. Her eyes are going to be swollen TOTALLY CLOSED for 2 to 3 days. And black and blue because of the pressure of them working there.
This is were the miracle came in, her face was swollen a little. Her right eye was swollen half way. And that is it!!!!!!! She got 4 blood transfusions, she was not suppose to walk because of the 2 big ops. BUT 15 DAYS AFTER THE 2ND OP MY BABY GIRL WALKED!!!!!! Her first steps ever!!!
So we got our miracle. The doctors called her their miracle baby, they couldn't believe it!!
So this time around I promise myself that I will give it to God. I believe, strongly believe that He will heal her. Even if it means she must have the operation. But part of me still waits for that magic circles and stars around her head and the "poof, gone is all of this".
He is going to heal her!! I know she will be okay!! I know all of this but.....
This doesn't take the pain away in my heart! Doesn't make me sleep. Doesn't give me peace in my heart!! Doesnt help........
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Maybe, maybe....
I don't know where to start but maybe, just maybe, this will help me.
And maybe, maybe it will help people to understand just a little bit more of what we are going through. One thing is for sure.... It truly is harder on the parents (or grown-up) then the kiddies that are going through this.
It's totally hell to see your kid in so much pain that she is literally vomiting from the pain. But with all this going on she still smiles, okay, most of the time when the pain isn't that bad. We have on and off days. Some off days are quite bad!! She will scream for 45 min up to 1 hour maybe more. That's when she can't handle the pain anymore and nothing you do is helping. Its a different kind of screaming. You learn the difference between them really fast. Even my 3-year old knows the difference. It's even worse that those awful injection cries!! I mean most of us has had headaches or even migraines. Just imagine all that pain for a baby of 8 months!!! And she doesn't even know what's happening. She doesn't understand it.
But that I can handle, in a way. Then there is days that she hits her head against anything that she can find. This is hard, very hard to see. But when she has that look in her eyes, that look that begs me to do something, those eyes that say: mommy please, help me!!!! That is breaking my heart into 1000's of pieces!! THAT I CAN'T TAKE!!!!!
This is going to sound like I'm a bad mom, but it hurts so much that I can't pick her up, can't hold her, can't play with her, can't kiss her!! I can't take that look of pain in her eyes. I mean she thinks that her big sis is the biggest clown on earth, but days like this big sis runs away! Nothing helps her, not even big sis or being in Mommy's arms. But all that I can do is to hold her against my chest! Its not nice when those little hands hits or scratches you. But I know it's only because of the pain.
She is even too scared to eat or drink. She is tired of vomiting. This is not reflux. Nothing the doctors give her works. Two months ago they gave her 3 little pills (cost R350) that worked for a month and a half! Then they got gastro (but only the vomiting part) and now we are back to square one. She will be playing and then all of a sudden she screams like someone is killing her and then you can look, vomit everywhere!! Sometimes while she is eating, she will be enjoying her food and then the next thing... And the fact that the doctor is saying "I don't know what to do" doesn't help. Okay at least she (the doctor) is honest! But what should I do?
Its hell touching that precious child's head and feeling all the ridges it's making!! When we discovered big sis' cranio, I had this feeling inside me to kiss her head. And this will make it all better. I know to some this sounds stupid but I can't describe the energy I'm feeling when I'm doing this. It's not me! It's Jesus. I know He will heal her, I know it!!
But it still is not easy!!
Please excuse me, I'm going to jump a lot. Because this is really hard for me! Hard because it feels like no one understands!! I know people don't, that's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm trying to explain how I'm feeling. What's going to happen and what did happen.
Hope this helps.
Much love
Landie
And maybe, maybe it will help people to understand just a little bit more of what we are going through. One thing is for sure.... It truly is harder on the parents (or grown-up) then the kiddies that are going through this.
It's totally hell to see your kid in so much pain that she is literally vomiting from the pain. But with all this going on she still smiles, okay, most of the time when the pain isn't that bad. We have on and off days. Some off days are quite bad!! She will scream for 45 min up to 1 hour maybe more. That's when she can't handle the pain anymore and nothing you do is helping. Its a different kind of screaming. You learn the difference between them really fast. Even my 3-year old knows the difference. It's even worse that those awful injection cries!! I mean most of us has had headaches or even migraines. Just imagine all that pain for a baby of 8 months!!! And she doesn't even know what's happening. She doesn't understand it.
But that I can handle, in a way. Then there is days that she hits her head against anything that she can find. This is hard, very hard to see. But when she has that look in her eyes, that look that begs me to do something, those eyes that say: mommy please, help me!!!! That is breaking my heart into 1000's of pieces!! THAT I CAN'T TAKE!!!!!
This is going to sound like I'm a bad mom, but it hurts so much that I can't pick her up, can't hold her, can't play with her, can't kiss her!! I can't take that look of pain in her eyes. I mean she thinks that her big sis is the biggest clown on earth, but days like this big sis runs away! Nothing helps her, not even big sis or being in Mommy's arms. But all that I can do is to hold her against my chest! Its not nice when those little hands hits or scratches you. But I know it's only because of the pain.
She is even too scared to eat or drink. She is tired of vomiting. This is not reflux. Nothing the doctors give her works. Two months ago they gave her 3 little pills (cost R350) that worked for a month and a half! Then they got gastro (but only the vomiting part) and now we are back to square one. She will be playing and then all of a sudden she screams like someone is killing her and then you can look, vomit everywhere!! Sometimes while she is eating, she will be enjoying her food and then the next thing... And the fact that the doctor is saying "I don't know what to do" doesn't help. Okay at least she (the doctor) is honest! But what should I do?
Its hell touching that precious child's head and feeling all the ridges it's making!! When we discovered big sis' cranio, I had this feeling inside me to kiss her head. And this will make it all better. I know to some this sounds stupid but I can't describe the energy I'm feeling when I'm doing this. It's not me! It's Jesus. I know He will heal her, I know it!!
But it still is not easy!!
Please excuse me, I'm going to jump a lot. Because this is really hard for me! Hard because it feels like no one understands!! I know people don't, that's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm trying to explain how I'm feeling. What's going to happen and what did happen.
Hope this helps.
Much love
Landie
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