Big Day Tomorrow

So tomorrow is our big day. Thinking about all that is going to happen. I'm scared, so scared! I want this to be over and done. Wish that I can wake up and find out that all was just one big big nightmare. Can we really get through this?

Okay so maybe I should stay calm. Yeah right! This is me we're talking about. I'm the queen of worries. Okay, I'm not really that bad but yes, I do stress a lot and yes, I plan my plans. I like to be in control, like to play it safe. Like to have all my options ready and knowing what's going for what.

The biggest part of me is scared that the doctor won't operate. This is silly, all the signs and evidence are there. Even the CT scan shows places thats already closed. And my guts, you know that mother's instinct, knows for sure its there. I also know that the only thing that's going to help is for her to be operated on. And by praying to God to heal her. I do believe in miracles. I do! But sometimes we look for miracles in one place. And find it in a totally different place. And well, because we are human we are disappointed because we didn't get our miracle. That's what happened with big sis' operations. We prayed, I did for days, over and over for God to take it away. I strongly believed that God will not put my baby through this. I mean He is a God of love, not pain.

When the doctor told us he was going to operate, my heart broke!! It felt like I'm a vampire and that someone is pressing a wooden stick through my heart. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAS WORDS HURT SO MUCH!! Never!!! So when we almost lost her while they were busy operating, we were too hurt to see the miracles happening around us! My sweet dear baby girl, my little angel, our little miracle was going through so much pain.

Okay they try to tell you what was going to happen before the operation day. They told us her head is going to be swollen, 2 to 3 times the size of a normal baby's head. Her eyes are going to be swollen TOTALLY CLOSED for 2 to 3 days. And black and blue because of the pressure of them working there.

This is were the miracle came in, her face was swollen a little. Her right eye was swollen half way. And that is it!!!!!!! She got 4 blood transfusions, she was not suppose to walk because of the 2 big ops. BUT 15 DAYS AFTER THE 2ND OP MY BABY GIRL WALKED!!!!!! Her first steps ever!!!

So we got our miracle. The doctors called her their miracle baby, they couldn't believe it!!

So this time around I promise myself that I will give it to God. I believe, strongly believe that He will heal her. Even if it means she must have the operation. But part of me still waits for that magic circles and stars around her head and the "poof, gone is all of this".

He is going to heal her!! I know she will be okay!! I know all of this but.....

This doesn't take the pain away in my heart! Doesn't make me sleep. Doesn't give me peace in my heart!! Doesnt help........